Archive for the ‘Just Kidding’ Category

The rest of the golfing world pales in comparison with Tiger Woods…

September 12, 2008

haha!

I forgot what I wanted to say…

February 12, 2007

So what is it you wanted to read here? Think of this as my market research.

E-News: Accidental-E

January 18, 2007

The mystery has been solved, the search is over. Put away your microscopes, telescopes, stethoscopes and assorted paraphenalia and pharmaceuticals. Following on last year’s report of

https://the1rod.wordpress.com/2006/09/13/where-can-i-get-an-e/ ,

I am happy to announce that we now have a brand spanking new silvery ‘E’ attached to the butt end of the Mercedes. How this happy circumstance happened to chance itself was due to an accident involving the butt end of the aforementioned Mercedes and the front end of a Golden Arrow bus. Luckily no one was seriously injured. Strangely, the accidental incident affected that part of the vehicle lacking in E. As though ‘e knew what it was doing. 

Now to effect an accident so the rear, right window can get fixed…

Speaking of Canons…

December 1, 2006

The Photographer

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, “Well, I’m off now. The man should be here soon.”

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. “Good morning, Ma’am”, he said, “I’ve come to…” “Oh, no need to explain,” Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, “I’ve been expecting you.”

“Have you really?” said the photographer. “Well, that’s good. Did you know babies are my speciality?”

“Well that’s what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat”.

After a moment she asked, blushing, “Well, where do we start?” “Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.”

“Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn’t work out for Harry and me!”

“Well, Ma’am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I’m sure you’ll be pleased with the results.”

“My, that’s a lot!” gasped Mrs. Smith. “Ma’am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I’d love to be in and out in five minutes, but I’m sure you’d be disappointed with that.” “Don’t I know it,” said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. “This was done on the top of a bus,” he said. “Oh my God!” Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat. “And these twins turned out exceptionally well – when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.” “She was difficult?” asked Mrs. Smith. “Yes, I’m afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look.” “Four and five deep?” said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement. “Yes”, the photographer replied. “And for more than three hours, too.The mother was constantly squealing and yelling – I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.” Mrs. Smith leaned forward. “Do you mean they actually chewed on your,..um.. equipment?”

“It’s true, Ma’am yes. Well, if you’re ready, I’ll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.” “Tripod?” “Oh yes, Ma’am.

I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It’s much too big to be held in the hand very long.” With that, Mrs. Smith fainted…………

Who gave my name to Charity?

November 24, 2006

In the past two weeks, I have received heartfelt appeals to “donate a light” and ”share in the magic of christmas” from two different charity organisations (actually, maybe that “magic of christmas” line is just a jingle I heard in the shops). I wanted to question where they got my name, but what i really want to know is this: Is one not immune, even in the privacy of one’s own home, to sights of depravity (actually, that should be deprivation, but depravity almost rhymes with privacy, donttit?) and abuse. I mean, I get enough of that by switching on the television news, for goodness sakes.

Children of Men; Children of a lesser God

November 16, 2006

Two different movies, but their titles sort of imply the same thing, dontchathink?

Anyway, enough blah-blah from me. Here’s some funny stuff.

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (Written by kids, apparently) 

(1) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you
    like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should
    keep the chips and dip coming.
    – Alan, age 10

(2) No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to
    marry.
    God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you’re
    stuck with.    – Kristen, age 10


WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?


(1) Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER
     by then.

     – Camille, age 10

(2) No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get
    married.    – Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)



HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?


(1) You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling
    at the same kids.
    – Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MUM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?


(1) Both don’t want any more kids.    – Lori, age 8



WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?


(1) Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to
    know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long
    enough.
     – Lynnette, age 8 (isn’t she a treasure)

(2) On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually
    gets them interested enough to go for a second date.


    – Martin, age 10


WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?


(1) I’d run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the
    newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.    -Craig, age 9


WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?


(1) When they’re rich.

    – Pam, age 7

(2) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn’t want to mess
     with that.     – Curt, age 7



(3) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should
     marry them and have kids with them. It’s the right thing to do.
     – Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?


(1) It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need
    someone to clean up after them.    – Anita, age 9 (bless you child)



HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN’T GET MARRIED?


(1) There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn’t there?
     – Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is……..


HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

(1) Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a
    truck.
    – Ricky, age 10

Friday morning, 3:00 a.m in YES time

October 6, 2006

I was extremely tired at about 22h30 Thursday evening. But I perservered. I had to finish things for a presentation today. A little elephant (Cote D’Or) helped me. It is YES time: Year End Syndrome, when everyone wants their stuff done before the annual shutdown, in other words YESterday!

The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step…

September 26, 2006

So be careful not to put your foot in it, not to step into poo at the start. You might go sliding and miss the second step. But then again, who says the journey is itself composed of myriads of steps?

World Cup 2010 – Spot the Difference Competition

August 2, 2006

danny_jordaan.jpg                   staggie.jpg                    

Here is the head(literally) of the FIFA Local Organising Committee. On the left, in deep repose; on the right surrounded by well wishers after the announcement that we had won the bid.

In the true spirit of the famous Chappies bubblegum Sunday Times Spot the Ball competition, I hereby invite you to spot the difference between the two pictures. The winner will receive an all expenses paid trip to the scene of the picture on the right, with the same well wishers in attendance. I know you’re just dying to enter!

In my lunchbox today

August 1, 2006

I had a low GI bread tuna easy-on-the-mayonaise sandwich, a humus sandwich, some gooseberries, a few almonds, a slice or two of cheese, a carrot, and some extra humus (for the carrot, who might have felt lonely). I did it all myself. I usually make breakfast for us all, and put in my and Noah’s lunch, and this morning was no exception.

I would have taken a picture of the box but for two reasons: I don’t have the camera phone with me, and I left the humus to mix with the rest of them in the box. It was not a pretty sight at all when I lifted the lid. There’s a political message in there somewhere, I’m sure…

Maybe even a religious vision, like the Virgin Mary.

So far, I’ve demolished the humus sandwich, some nuts and the carrot. And, of course, the humus itself. Now my stomach has to deal with it. Maybe that’s how people get a “gut feeling” about religion and politics:)