Archive for December, 2006

I pumped my Mistress blue!

December 18, 2006

Yes, I did. All weekend long. It was an absolute pleasure to watch. I left some white stuff on the top to stop any infection. I wish I had a recording, or even a photograph. 

Those of you who have chanced upon this blog for the first time need to read the following for an introduction to my mistress:


They came, I swore, they concurred

December 14, 2006

Well, thanks for tuning in folks, to the latest installment of the unfolding drama of South Africa’s crime epidemic, following on the previous episode  as recounted in:

There, you will remember, two people scaled our spiked gates to get at who-knows-what. Yesterday, at about eight thirtyish, our gate bell rang. I looked out the window to see a hooded figure holding a dog leash, to which was attached a Boomer-type fluffy hound. The figure reminded me of something out of The Ring, that truly Scary Movie. Be that as it may, the figure identifed herslef as Linda, the lady who lives behind us. For all I know, this could have been a fabrication, seeing as how people in Pinelands are not prone to such indiscretions as neighbourliness. Perhaps her intention was more sinister, to draw me out into the open.

She proceeded to tell me that she had seen two young men, and she emphasised this as if it meant something else, ‘two young men…’ (I was trying to figure out the code even as she finished her sentence) ‘…jumping over your fence’. Hello! here we go again, over the spikes as if it were an Olympic wanna-be paraplegic event. I wanted to congratulate them. However, the resident fear of bullets and various viruses doing the rounds, forbade such an interaction. I must admit I called the wrong alarm company. Luckily someone else called the right people.

I went upstairs to get my night stick, just in case, you know…While there, I called out sweetly to them: “…Get the F%^#@ off my property, before I f%^** your f%$#*&! &^**&…”, amongst a string of other injunctions and invective. They obliged, hence the title of this blog.

The alarm company got there pretty smartly, and I bravely went round with them. The paraplegic wanna-bees had rifled through the contents of my large German sedan that had its windows open, fortunately I suppose. They neglected the other German courtesy car parked behind, which contained my laptop and important documents.

They left behind a trail of those sticky-things-you-put-your-motor-vehicle-licence on, leading up to the gate, where they had leapt again, this time out onto the road. When the police arrived some twenty minutes later, they scratched around, shining their torches, saying they would keep an eye out and if they found anyone lurking suspicious they would try to match them to fingerprints staining my car.

I told the police officers to please introduce me to anyone they might come across. The one officer then started laughing, saying he remembered what happened the last time. He said the Man in the Van was in fact, innocent.

Well, at least Noah supported me: this morning, after being told how his fierce father had scared off the ‘smugglers’, he looked all big-eyed at me when I said goodbye to go to work, and said: “I love you more than the whole world.”

Girls of the future better watch out!

December 7, 2006

I just received a phone call from Jody. He is so sweet I don’t know how the girls of the future are going to handle him. Just “Hello, Daddy”, “Playing something”, “Having fun”, “Bye bye Daddy” is enough to send me over the edge. I haven’t been spending enough time with him, too much work.

UN: World’s richest 2% own half global wealth

December 6, 2006

The world’s richest 2% of adults own more than half of global household wealth, while half the world’s population own only 1%, a United Nations report published on Tuesday showed.

“The study finds wealth to be more unequally distributed than income across countries,” Anthony Shorrocks, director of the Helsinki-based World Institute for Development Economics Research of the United Nations University that published the report, said at a press conference.

The report, entitled The World Distribution of Household Wealth, found that assets of $2 200 or more placed a household in the top half of world wealth distribution in 2000.

To be among the most affluent 10% of adults required $61 000 dollars in assets, while more than $500 000 dollars was needed to belong to the richest 1%. This group of the most well off was made up of 37-million people.

The study said it was the first of its kind to include major components of household wealth, including financial assets and debts, land, buildings and other tangible property, and to cover all the world’s countries.

The report did not measure income, in the form of salaries, pensions and benefit payments.

A quarter of the world’s wealthiest 10% of adults lived in the United States while a fifth resided in Japan, the study showed.

Eight percent of the world’s wealthiest 10% of adults lived in Germany, 7% in Italy, 6% in Britain and 4% each in France and Spain.

In 2000, the year data for the survey was collected, there were 499 dollar-billionaires and 13-million millionaires throughout the world. These numbers were set to “rise fast in the next decade”, the report said

And now we play ‘Suzanne’ by Leonard Cohen

December 5, 2006

we had our anniversary on Saturday. It’s not a fixed day like for married couples. Rather, it is tied to the Obz Festival, whenever that may be, usually the first Saturday in December. That’s where we first agreed to meet, at the old FNB branch on Lower Main Road, although we got there hours apart.

So we tend to forget the significance of the day until quite late in the afternoon. This year we went to the Festival as outsiders, for the first time, being from Pinelands now. The Festival does not change: the pressing crowds, the food on the street tables, the crafts and tie-died t-shirts, the music unapproachable except at a distance. But it takes you back, somewhat, to those halcyon days of youth. 

And to complete that feeling, to better recapture those times (because we now spend most of the time in the park with the kids), when we get home we play ‘Suzanne’, by Leonard Cohen, which equal to anything else, takes you back to those times. Because we played that CD endlessly. And Cat Stevens.

I googled for Suzanne and I found those same sentiments expressed by the woman herself:


Suzanne: I guess I miss the simpler times that we lived and shared. I don’t mean to be maudlin about it, but we’ve kind of gone our different ways and lost touch and some of my most beloved friends have departed from this planet into the other spheres. And there’s sometimes a very real homesickness for Montreal and that wonderful time.

Saunders: So it almost has become a symbol of your youth, if you like?

Suzanne: Oh absolutely, and for many of us, I hold dear this time, very much so.

And here she is:


Speaking of Canons…

December 1, 2006

The Photographer

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, “Well, I’m off now. The man should be here soon.”

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. “Good morning, Ma’am”, he said, “I’ve come to…” “Oh, no need to explain,” Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, “I’ve been expecting you.”

“Have you really?” said the photographer. “Well, that’s good. Did you know babies are my speciality?”

“Well that’s what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat”.

After a moment she asked, blushing, “Well, where do we start?” “Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.”

“Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn’t work out for Harry and me!”

“Well, Ma’am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I’m sure you’ll be pleased with the results.”

“My, that’s a lot!” gasped Mrs. Smith. “Ma’am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I’d love to be in and out in five minutes, but I’m sure you’d be disappointed with that.” “Don’t I know it,” said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. “This was done on the top of a bus,” he said. “Oh my God!” Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat. “And these twins turned out exceptionally well – when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.” “She was difficult?” asked Mrs. Smith. “Yes, I’m afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look.” “Four and five deep?” said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement. “Yes”, the photographer replied. “And for more than three hours, too.The mother was constantly squealing and yelling – I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.” Mrs. Smith leaned forward. “Do you mean they actually chewed on your, equipment?”

“It’s true, Ma’am yes. Well, if you’re ready, I’ll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.” “Tripod?” “Oh yes, Ma’am.

I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It’s much too big to be held in the hand very long.” With that, Mrs. Smith fainted…………

Game to me

December 1, 2006

Yesterday I went looking at Game in Tygervalley for a video recording device. Liezl behind the counter was very helpful. She said tape was better than direct to dvd. So I went for the tape-based Canon MP890, rather than the DVD Sony whatever that was on sale for R500 less. I figured also that Canon is a specialist camera company, and so should be more reliable, somehow. The competition probably lowers the price, hopefully.

Anyway, I tried my luck, as usual, and started bargaining. And before you can say “Give me a big discount please”, Liezl whipped out a brochure from a rival retailer that advertised the Canon for less than Game’s price. So she was compelled to reduce the amount by some R400.

Feeling like I had made a saving (funny how that works: you buy something quite expensive, and walk away thinking you’ve made a saving somehow), I proceeded to learn how to operate the device in a few minutes, while under intense pressure to leave home to go to Noah’s school for his Nativity Play, for which purpose I had originally wanted to purchase the camera.

The battery was not fully charged, but I did manage to film my boy and his friends until five minutes before the end. Noah was full of actions, and he even belted out one or two songs. It was very cute to see him in his angel custome looking out for us in the audience and waving.

Jody slept through the whole performance. He had a fever. I guess I’ll have to show him the tape I made…